Old habits- old fat-girl habits- die hard, it seems.
I was doing really good. Really good. Sticking to my foods, eating my veggies, within my carb limits, and exercising daily.
…and then Friday happened.
It started when a friend shared a recipe for some seriously awesome single-serve bread. Her claims of it's total deliciousness had to be tested, right?
For science, of course.
So I made a slice of the bread, broke it in half and toasted one piece, slathered both pieces with butter and shared with Logan.
Taste testing for the win!
The problem is that he didn't all of his, so I finished it off.
No, that by itself is not so bad. It's everything that came after…
In the evening I made paleo-ish chicken nuggets and fries for the boys. Naturally they had to be taste tested; they did not, however, need to be shoveled into my mouth hand over fist like they were going out of style.
I ate way too much.
I'd also made Okeechobee beef, and Chris wanted bread with it…so I made more Betty Bread.
I. Couldn't. Stop. Eating.
Long after I was full…which was before we even sat down to eat…I was still shoving bites of food in my mouth. The fries, the nuggets. Even though the baked nuggets were less than stellar, they still went in my mouth.
I ate all my serving of Okeechobee, which was a meal on its own.
I ate it with bread, and with all the fries and chicken nuggets.
But I wasn't done. Even though I was full, even though I'd overeaten, even though I was well over my carb limit for the day, I ate some more.
The boys were asking about dessert…Fridays and Saturdays are dessert nights around here. I was in bed, relaxed after a bath, tired and ready for bed, and Alex came back and said he was hungry. He wanted to know what I'd made for dessert. With nothing made, nothing up my sleeve, I asked Chris to go get them something.
And the idea struck…I could make microwave paleo 2 minute cakes. I'd been wanting to try the recipe, but I seized the excuse.
So I got out of bed, spent 20 minutes making chocolate mug cakes for everyone.
Oh, and I topped them with honey-sweetened whipped cream, and a couple dark chocolate chips too.
They were delicious, but the entire time I was questioning why I was putting the spoon in my mouth. Even though I didn't have an answer and knew I should just walk away, my attitude was 'oh well… I've already overdone it, why not keep going?'
Saturday morning, I felt like crap. Full of regrets, and my walk in the park that morning was the walk of shame.
But good grief, it still didn't stop me. I ended up skipping breakfast. Lunch was grilled chicken on a salad, so that was good. But dinner…
I ate 5 hamburgers.
Pardon me for just a moment while I cringe over that in abject horror and utter embarrassment.
And wait, they weren't just hamburgers- these were bacon burgers.
Topped with more bacon.
And more bacon on the side.
I wasn't THAT hungry, I can assure you- it was simply because I needed to shove it all in my face.
So I did.
I hate that.
Today I'm grumpy, unhappy with myself, and letting it color every aspect of my day. Because of the past 2 days, I'm hating my appearance, refusing to see any progress, denying all good, miserable over every bit of me that isn't toned and tightened.
I'm very down on myself, and being ridiculously harsh.
But I feel like I deserve it.
Those fat girl habits crept right back in and took over, reminding me I'm not the strong person I think I am. I was reminded that I'm not as infallible and not as uber-awesome as I like to think.
Somewhere in me I have forgiveness, and the ability to move forward.
I just haven't found it yet.