So who am I now?
Since you asked….
Hi. My name is Elizabeth. I’m a 34year-old mother of 3 delightfully messy boys and 2 over-grown dogs, the wife to an amazingly supportive husband.
And I’m a big fat loser.
(Note: I say that with a big ole smile!)
As for everything else, well, I’m still a work in progress.
Sadly, I’m also a cheater.
I had to make a double-layer cake and 96 cupcakes for Chris’ grandmother’s 80th birthday.. The cakes, the fillings, the frostings were all made from scratch, and it all had to be tasted to make sure it was right. Do you know the kind of torture it is to be the fat girl surrounded by all that sugar-and-fat-and-grain-laden deliciousness and only be able to take the tiniest of tastes? Let me tell you, it’s rough. See, I’m a spoon-licker from way back. A taste-tester. Everything has to be sampled, fiddled with, sampled again. And again. And if it’s really good, it has to be tasted again just to make sure it is that good. Sometimes when I’m doubling up on cooking (cooking in advance for the week) and have several things going at once, I’ll fill up on bites and licks and nibbles and slurps long before it’s time to sit down to dinner.
The problem with that?
Well, I might have broken the addiction with food, the obsession, but it’s not completely eradicated. There are times when I will still sit down and eat a full dinner after tasting all afternoon, even if I’m not hungry. If dinner was particularly good and we’re all sitting around talking, it’s too easy to keep nibbling. To take one more piece, because it’s so yummy. I still have a hard time with listening to body cues instead of cleaning the plate, full or not. On top of that, I still take portions that are too big. I get a little too lax now and then with my carbs. If given the opportunity, I will go crazy with cheese. Very often, I don’t eat enough vegetables and I eat too much protein. Sometimes, I eat just because I want to eat, and it has nothing to do with hunger, or emotions, or hormones, or boredom.
Maybe I’ll be able to work on this as I go forward. Perhaps I’ll not get distracted with Real Housewives of New Jersey marathons and focus on training for a marathon of a different sort. Maybe I’ll be able to run a 10-minute mile without stopping, to do a pullup on the bar, not be swayed by a Hershey kiss, not regret that I’ve sworn off soft pretzels and nacho cheese. I might one day be able to look in the mirror and not find fault, it’s possible that I’ll see only how far I’ve come, and not how far I still have to go.
Maybe, just maybe, I can find it in me to forgive myself fully for the past and focus solely on the future.
Who I am is changing. I’m not who I was… but I’m still not who I want to be.
I hope you’ll join me on the path to discovery.
And now…it’s your turn. Who are YOU?